When people talk about “being ghosted,” they are usually talking about when someone you’ve been dating and seeing regularly disappears from your life without any explanation. But there is another more casual form of ghosting. It’s a little less hurtful, but still confusing. This type of ghosting happens in the online dating/app world. For the purposes of this article, I’m calling the two types of ghosting Relationship Ghosting and Online Dating Ghosting, respectively.

Relationship Ghosting

This is when someone you’ve been in a relationship with completely disappears from your life. My published guide, “Disappearing Acts in Dating,” talks about various reasons why someone that you’ve been in a relationship with would potentially do this to you. This type of ghosting is devastating and can shatter your soul until you gain resolution. (The guide is designed to help you do this if this happens to you.) Most of the time it is not about you, but rather the other person and issues they may be having in their life.

Online Dating Ghosting

This is when someone you’ve connected with online suddenly disappears or completely stops responding to your messages through the dating website or app, or they secretly “un-match” you (in the swiping apps: Tinder and Bumble). I also put the person who makes plans with you but then never follows up or blatantly flakes, as a type of ghoster. Online Dating Ghosting has happened to every person I know that is dating online or through one of the apps. I personally have “ghosted” people online and un-matched on the swiping apps (Tinder and Bumble) without explanation. It’s baffling to someone when it happens to them. “That person on Match seemed so cool, why aren’t they responding or sending me messages anymore?” or, “Why did she/he un-match from me today?”

When it comes to Online Dating Ghosting, the last thing anyone should do is take it personally or try to understand what they may have done wrong. In most cases, Online Dating Ghosting is protecting you from someone still stuck in a relationship or who wasn't right for you anyway. I would even argue that you should expect Online Dating Ghosting to be part of the online dating process.

Why you should be prepared for Online Dating Ghosting:

· Many people are misrepresenting themselves: pictures are from 15 years ago, before the 30 pounds was gained, or taken by a professional photographer who touched up the photos. In some cases, the person has even gone so far as to post pictures of a completely different person.

· There is an abundance of options online: regardless of your age or gender, there are so many people that match your criterion. With this level of abundance comes the ability to be particular. If we are being honest here, we are looking for things to eliminate a person as a potential match, versus rule them in.

· A person’s relationship status changes: either they met someone that really knocks their socks off or got back with an ex and are too afraid to tell you because they want to keep their options open.

With these three considerations as potential reasons for online dating ghosting, there is a strong possibility that you will never meet certain people live. They may reach out often, act like they have intentions of dating you, make plans, ghost on those plans, and stop responding to your inquiries of why they ghosted. In this example, they’re ghosting because they know their pictures are inaccurate and they would rather keep up the charade and attention for as long as possible. Meeting in person will take away the banter, and the person knows it, so they play the game for a while and then disappear, whether by un-matching or stopping responses.

In the real world of dating, people change their minds about someone. With online dating, they connect/match with other people that they feel are a better fit. This is likely to happen online, especially if no in-person meetings have occurred. At least in the real world, you have the consideration of the “chemistry” and other ways to decide which person is a better match. Online it is an equal playing field initially, which means someone might quickly decide that they’d rather spend time with a different person than you. It’s a very superficial decision, since no one has met in person yet, but again, this is reality.

My Own Reasons for Ghosting in Online Dating

I met someone else in person that was such a strong connection that I stopped communicating with all others I was connecting with online.
After reading deeper into a person’s profile, I have realized that there were things missing that ruled them out in my mind. For example, I don’t want to date someone who has never been married, never had kids, lacks any type of religion or faith (labeled themselves agnostic or atheist), or were much shorter than my desired height.
The person made a comment via email that was disrespectful or demanding. I’ve been communicating with people and had a lag in response time due to having a busy work week. In a few cases, the people sent a snide comment about my delayed response, which put them in the category of “drama person,” which is a deal-breaker for me. So, I just stopped responding to their messages. In one case, this infuriated the man so much that I had to block him on match, to avoid the berating from him. As far as I’m concerned, that was a bullet dodged!

People you were connecting with may have ruled you out for minor things, too, and with the abundance of people that have everything the person was looking for, it is easy to dismiss those missing key ingredients. I actually had someone rule me out because I believe in God. That turns out to be a blessing (pun intended) in disguise because not having something to believe in is a deal-breaker for me.

The bottom line, in the real world, people disappear, get back together with their exes, change their mind about dating you, or find something upon further review of your profile that rules you out. Regardless of the reason they ghost you, know you shouldn't think twice. This is the kind of ghosting you should never take personally.

Relationship ghosting on the other hand is very personal and requires a whole different mindset and approach. That is exactly why I wrote my guide, "Disappearing Acts in Ghosting: What to when you've been ghosted," to help you navigate through a personal and painful ghosting.