Dating After 40: Getting Back in the Saddle

Getting back into the dating scene — after being out of it for quite some time — can seem foreign and downright overwhelming. Here are some tips to help you easily get back into the game.

Join at least three dating sites/apps
Most people over 40 are busy balancing careers, single parenthood and personal activities. Time is limited and efficiency is key. Dating apps — like Match, Tinder and Bumble — cast a wider net and expose you to people you would never meet in the real world due to geography or lifestyles. This exposure to the abundance of potential mates in the real world is comforting for someone who is getting back into the dating scene.

Create an engaging online profile
With more than 5 million people in the United States using online dating apps, your profile is important. Have a trusted friend or family member help you develop your profile, or download my four easy tips. Choosing the right dating profile photo is important because it’s the first impression you will make. Make sure your profile reaches who you want.

Avoid being set-up by friends
Friends’ criteria can be vastly different from yours.  If you have a friend who really wants to set you up, and you are game, I strongly recommend getting a picture of the person they want to set you up with and ask your friend if they would date that person.

Relax, have fun, be safe and enjoy the ride
Theoretically, you are a more complex person than you were in your 20s, and it will take some vetting —through dating often — to refine your list of "wants.” Don't feel like you need to know exactly what you want right away. Think of this new dating experience as trying on shoes. Sometimes you think you want red ones, but then after trying on several other pairs, you find comfortable beige ones are more comfortable and suit you so much better. Maybe a bad analogy, but you get the point. Relax and have fun for a while until you refine what you want in a relationship. 

Pros and Cons of 3 Popular Dating Apps

It may seem daunting to be an online “product” that is shopped for on Match, Tinder, Bumble, Zoosk, E-Harmony and a myriad of other sites that have a more specific target audience, i.e., “Millionaire Match.”  (FYI – most of the people on that site are not millionaires at all!) To help you feel less intimidated, I put together the following pros and cons of three popular dating sites that I have used. There are nuances of each and this list will help you decided which one is best for you.

Pros of Match: There is more space and information required to set up the online dating profile. You tend to know a lot about the person right away including physical details like body type, height, hair color and eye color. There is also a section about interests, career, hobbies and enough space to write a well-thought-out profile which details personality and what you are seeking in a relationship. Match allows for members to do a “search” and specify exactly what you’re looking for: age, height, weight, body type and income level. It is also possible to set up the exact preferences for what you want, sort of like a filter for online shoe shopping. There is a wide range of ages and types, basically someone for everyone, which brings me to the cons.

Cons of Match: There is a wide range of people and anyone can contact you via Match email, by liking your photos, or by a virtual “wink.” Unfortunately, many people do not read the profiles and reach out to someone they find attractive, with complete disregard for the person’s preferences. As an example, my ideal age range is mid to late 40s, and I’ve had men aged 21-80 send messages about how much we have in common. I’m not interested in someone 25-30 years my senior or junior, or I would put that in my preferences! Let’s just say you will need to sift through a lot of people who are not even close to a match for you on this site. In some cases, you may have to block these people, since many don’t understand the etiquette of online dating (which we will discuss later).  There is no way to mutually approve the person prior to contact being made. Which brings us to Tinder…

Pros of Tinder: Each person needs to “like” the other, or “swipe right” on other’s profiles, for any communication between the parties to occur. In this online dating app, there is an established initial mutual interest. There is only one way to communicate, and that is texting through the app. If the person does not seem like your type after texting back and forth, it’s possible to “unmatch” the other person and they have no way to reach you after that. Tinder also allows you to search people in a range of miles, so if you live in two different parts of the country or have a job that takes you to the same city on a regular basis, it allows you to search for people near you.

Cons of Tinder: Because this app allows you to search for people close by, whether it is your home city or not, Tinder has a reputation of being a “hook-up” site. There are people on Tinder that are just looking for that. It has gotten to the point that people specify “looking for fun/hook-up” or “not just looking for a hook-up” in their profile. Some people do not advertise what they’re looking for and it takes a few texts through the app to determine this, but remember, you can unmatch them if they turn out to be someone on a different page than you.

Another con of Tinder is there is no requirement to put age, body type, height, income, occupation, or anything specific that you may want to know. A lot of the initial messages are pre-qualifying the person to determine if they meet your ideal requirements.

Another aspect of Tinder, which you could view as a pro or a con, is the fact that it is tied to Facebook. It is possible to see if the person has mutual Facebook friends, the theory being, if they are somehow connected to your friends, they are an OK person. The problem with it being linked to Facebook, is that some people take it upon themselves to find you through the mutual friend’s Facebook profile and send you an instant message, which defeats the purpose of mutually “liking” each other through the Tinder app for communication to occur.

Bumble: The pros and cons of Bumble are debatable. This site is a lot like Tinder in that it is connected through Facebook and it is possible to see mutual friends. Like Tinder, there is limited information required, so the same challenge arises relative to really knowing if the person would meet your desired profile. The difference between Bumble and Tinder is that the woman needs to send the first message once a match is made. I personally view that as a con, since many women prefer the man to make the first contact, but if that isn’t an issue for you, then you can view that as a pro.

If you are considering joining the online dating world, I recommend testing at least two sites at once to see which you prefer.