This topic has caused some controversy in my circle of friends that are doing the online dating thing. After eight years of online dating and many stories shared by my female and male friends about the incessant texting that may occur after you give someone your phone number, I have come to the conclusion that the best option is to withhold your phone number until you meet the person face to face. Remember, online dating is a microcosm to the macrocosm, which means there are some unstable people mixed into to the pot of online dates. People can find out a lot about others just by a cell phone number. This fact alone should create a sense of caution in the information you share with potential dates.

Top reasons to withhold your phone number before a first in-person date

People take it upon themselves to call and text frequently once they have your phone number, which can be a waste of your time, especially if you meet them and there is no connection.
It takes away a little bit of the mystery. Why does a person need your phone number before meeting live? All the online dating sites and apps have a text or email method of messaging back and forth. Why do you also need each other’s phone numbers when you already have a safe, established way to communicate?
It creates a goal for the first date: share each others’ phone numbers. Men are hunters by nature, and I find that they try a lot harder if they do not have your phone number yet. I would even argue that some men start to lose interest once they have the phone number, since they barely had to work for it.
Holding back your number weeds out the control freaks and jerks. For both men and women, if you are kind about your reason for holding back the phone number, i.e., safety, lack of desire to give out your phone number to everyone so easily, the other person will understand and not push it. The men and women that push it or “demand” that a phone conversation occur prior to a live meeting are pushing their agenda on you after you kindly explained your reasons. I find that these people will always be the type of people trying to change you or control the situation. As person that respects someone’s desired privacy and willingness to adhere to this guideline shows you they are understanding and classy. I have ruled out meeting people that make a big deal out of it. I even had one person suggest that I obtain a separate number just for online dating. It’s like, seriously??? “How about I just stick with my mode of communication through the website and stay comfortable and safe versus changing myself to suit what you want?” Again, it weeds out people who probably wouldn’t have been a match anyway.

Contrarians to this rule may have their own “rule” about a live phone call occurring before an in-person meeting can occur. While I can see the pros to this, in concept, from what I have seen, it is not better to connect with someone on the phone without determining if there is in-person chemistry first. What I’ve seen is that once the numbers are exchanged, people sometimes just turn into text or phone call relationships, which means the person never had the intention of dating you and is just looking for a little bit of attention.

The other dynamic that may occur: You establish a phone relationship through several late-night calls, get your hopes up, and meet the person live, only to determine they aren’t who they portrayed on line or there is no in-person chemistry. Again, there are so many “cat fishers” out there and providing your number too soon puts you at risk of being “cat fished” via the phone.

Based on all my experiences and my friends’ experiences, I believe that this is a “best practice” to online dating.