What to Say (and Not Say) During a Breakup

Whether you’ve decided your relationship is no longer working for you, or you’re the one being broken up with, what you don’t say can be as important as what you do say.

Don’t Say Insulting Things
If you’ve decided to break up, make sure you leave well. Nobody wins when hurtful things are said. Saying things like, “I don't like that you speak improperly,” or “The way you kiss is a turnoff,” are details that aren’t helpful or kind. Instead, stick to the big picture of why you're breaking up and focus on what you need. Saying, “I'm in a place right now where a relationship is low on my priority list and our timing is bad,” is about you and not them.  

It may also make sense to point out some factual reasons why the breakup occurred. As an example, if they were consistently rude to you or cut you down with harsh comments — in spite of asking them not to — you could say, “I'm not comfortable being with someone who says things that hurt my feelings.” Again, focus on your needs. 

Regardless of your reasons, the last thing you want is an argument about who's right and who's wrong. By keeping it focused on yourself, without pointing the finger, it will be a much more civil break up.

Don’t Beg, Accuse or Demand
If they break up with you, don't beg them to stay with you. Regardless of the reasons they're giving, there are probably some superficial factors that they don't want to share with you, if they are trying to let you down easy. By the time someone comes around to breaking up, they have usually thought a lot about it.

Maintain your dignity and don't demand more specific reasons other than what they're giving you or accuse them of cheating to get back at them. Instead, set them free. This means not texting or calling them after the relationship has ended, especially if you've been drinking.

After a breakup is a perfect time to take new chances and try new things in life, which includes setting up online dating profiles so you can see all of the new relationship opportunities available to you.

As a side note, my guide to moving on after being ghosted is fully of information that is useful going through a regular break up, too. You can learn more about it here.